


In Articulo Mortis, Solus

by van_daalen



Series: JD Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Destroy Ending, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-25 23:55:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7552144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/van_daalen/pseuds/van_daalen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the ruins of the Citadel, Shepard awakens. Her worst fear is realized as she finds herself alone, alive, and at the end of an endless war. For all her grand speeches and hopeful gestures, she had never believed that she would survive. As the wreckage burns around her... she realizes that she had never wanted to.<br/>--------------------------<br/>In Articulo Mortis, Solus: In the moment of death, alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Articulo Mortis, Solus

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've done in a long time, and the first I've ever posted on AO3, so forgive me if the writing, formatting, or anything seems a little off. As a note, this fic will also be posted on my tumblr, under the url the-hound-of-new-vegas.

The sweet embrace of oblivion felt nothing like she had anticipated.

 

It was not cold, nor callous, nor comparable to the suffocation of death. No, it was  _ warm _ . It clung to her frame like a weighted blanket, held her close, and tried to fight off the lingering traces of fear. The only thing that seemed to line up with her expectations was the taste on her lips- the familiar touch of copper, doubled in intensity. Out of all she felt, it was that, the metal tainting her tongue, that started to ground her in reality. Her body protested against oblivion, daring to call for the comfort of something else.  _ Of life. _

 

A war waged within her, rattling her bones, stirring up the air in her lungs. Every cell in her body cried out for her to awaken fully, to refuse to give in. But the universe fought well, weighing her limbs down, applying steady pressure to her shoulders. The same shoulders that had carried the Alliance to victory- that had bore the weight of the galaxy upon them. In the end, the universe, much like the Reapers, was no true match for Commander Shepard. It felt her strength and relented, letting her mind reel back into focus. Breath came rushing back to her, filling her chest with a single, sharp intake.

 

With that first breath came the first rush of pain. First it was isolated- locked within her scarred lungs. Then it was  _ everywhere _ . The discomfort latched onto every inch of her skin it could find, dug into the battered organs within her, and tried to crush her cranium in massive waves. It sent a scream barreling from her lips… or at least the closest thing to one she could manage. To her own ears, barely able to hear past the ringing, she sounded more like a whimpering child than a dying veteran.

 

Shepard cursed the noise, cursed the things she felt, cursed everything.

 

As always, her anger did not, _could_ _not_ , curb the agony she felt. It had not been able to after Kaidan’s death, nor in the wake of Saren’s assault of the Citadel, nor during her fight with the Collectors, nor in the quiet moments she had spent alone on Earth. Kelly Chambers had once warned her of the dangers of improper coping methods, of the lasting mental scars they could leave. But Shepard had not listened. Had not turned from her path, had not sought the aid of a friend, had not done anything to promise herself a happy future.

 

For all her grand speeches and hopeful gestures, she had never believed that she would survive. Part of her had always known, had steeled herself for the end, but none of her had let anyone else know. After all, if their ray of hope did not believe, how could they?... Shepard cursed herself once more, desperately trying to push past the pain. She longed for a release- begged the universe to let her slumber once more. Why did it let  _ her _ live? Why did it insist on dragging things out even longer?

 

Her body had fought ferociously to stay alive this long, but her mind had not. As the remnants of the Citadel burned around her, the mighty Shepard let herself shed a few tears, wondering how long it would take for the flames to reach her. They all seemed so far away- bright, blinding lights in the distance, barely able to cut through the heavy plumes of smoke. For all she knew, it could take  _ hours _ for the burning to consume her. In the moment of that realization she cast aside her logic, ignoring the possibility of her dying from blood loss, and shook in her own despair.

 

_ Maybe if I just… _ she started to think, trying to hold back breaths and sobs alike. Pressure started to build up in her chest, her lungs crying for air, her brain’s basic instincts begging for her to just  _ breathe _ . In the end, it was not nature’s programming that kept her going. It was another wave of pain, this one from her abdomen, that came sharper than the others. The escalation of pain shocked her, forcing her to draw in a gasp. Once more she felt her attention start to slip away… Blackness dotted her vision, a welcome sight, and she braced herself for  _ true _ oblivion.

 

“Hello?...” A voice called out, the sound reaching past the darkness, wrapping careful fingers around Shepard’s mind, enticing her to stay awake for just a few more moments. “Guys, I think I saw something over there,” the stranger continued, seeming so very close, but so very, very far away, all at the same time. The possibility of rescue dawned upon the Commander. Suddenly she felt close to tears again, and tried to will the would-be saviors away, to no avail. “Yeah, I’ll go check it out.”

 

Footsteps started to echo through the ruined chamber. A bright light cut through the smog, likely coming from a head mounted torch. It’s beam swung back and forth, scanning the area, before finally landing on Shepard’s broken body. Somehow the way it pointed at her felt like an accusation- a  _ how dare you try to die _ . Her response to the thought, a broken whimper, sealed her fate. Someone started shouting once more, rushing towards her as they did.

 

“Guys! I found someone! We’ve got a survivor, I repeat, we have a survivor,” they yelled, followed by the familiar sound of a comm unit crackling to life. Distance prevented Shepard from hearing the voice on the other line, forcing her to focus on the approaching figure. She couldn’t gather any details about their appearance until they were right in front of her, shifting a chunk of rubble off of her legs. “Hey, hey, it’s alright, you’re gonna be fine,” the person reassured. It was a human, male from what the Commander could tell. “Wait…  _ holy shit, _ Shepard?”

 

She had been recognized. How could she not be? For months now her face had been the symbol of hope that trillions had clinged to, had looked to for guidance. She couldn’t help but wonder how it felt to see that symbol broken so badly.

 

“This is Captain Berkly to all search teams: I’ve found Shepard. I repeat, I have found Shepard.” More words came, followed by the sound of more people approaching, but none of them fully registered to her. This wasn’t what she had wanted. She had never,  _ never _ wanted to outlast the war. Every part of her had planned on going down in a blaze of glory- a fitting end for someone who had spent her entire life in conflict. There was no room for her in a galaxy of peace… and yet arms still moved to pick her up. People still whispered her words of hope, still talked excitedly around her, so very,  _ very _ happy that she was still around. “You’re going home, Shep. You’re finally gonna go home.”

 

With those words she lost it once more, losing herself inside sobs, crying her heart out for all the wrong reasons.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you have any comments/feedback, please let me know. I run on positive energy and am always looking for some constructive criticism.


End file.
